Chuck Norris

I spent my early childhood in the 80’s and as such I had a great love and respect for Chuck Norris. I didn’t know much about the man but I did know he was the best “karate guy” out there. And around the playground, at school, and in the backyard comments were always made about how you could beat someone up as bad as Chuck Norris could. We (all my friends and I) made Chuck Norris larger than life, so when I was originally told about these random facts about the legend I had to find them for myself and post them. An instructor at the school I attend has some of these posted on his office door. The laughs travel down the halls.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Honest Abe XOXO

This is one of the funniest jokes I have ever done, partly because I do not participate in jokes very often. They tend to be problematic. Problematic in the sense that people’s delicate feelings get hurt and something gets broken, and thus something needs to be repented of and replaced. I, therefore, flee from jokes like Joseph from Potifer’s wife. However, I couldn’t refrain from this one. It just called to me like a Siren. It was irresistible.

I was at a local, semi-local, garage sale and found a pile of postcards with a magnetic head of Abraham Lincoln on them. I thought it a funny postcard. But I found it even more funny when a friend of mine told me I should buy it and give it to a mutual friend who doesn’t really care for Abe Lincoln. My brain quickly began to run with the idea so I bought the postcard with multiple ideas in mind. Once I had it home I thought long and hard about how to mail it to “James” and thought, ‘It would be really nice if Abe himself could somehow bridge this friendship gap between these two polar opposite people.” Now, bear in mind my friend “James” is no racist but he really disapproves of Lincoln in several political ways. The topic is difficult to express and too complicated for a simple blog, but believe me “James” is a great guy. Honest Abe XOXO stated that he hoped to bridge this friendship gap so that they could be “great pals”. My hope is that this dialogue has functioned in this capacity.

So, I had the burden of bridging a gap of friendship through the postal system and it required a lot of time, effort, and friends. I don't do jokes but this was the most complex system of jokes that I have ever devised. It required the assistance of friends from Ireland, Germany, Canada, Texas, Ohio, Colorado, Washington (twice), Oklahoma, California (twice), and Antarctica.

The system was quite simple but extremely time consuming. It consisted of me e-mailing my friends to see who would be willing to participate, getting feedback and then applying the mission. Those interested would buy a postcard (your typical touristy type) and mail them to me in an envelope. I would open the envelope with much anticipation and excitement. I would then commence to writing in the voice of Abe Lincoln onto the said postcard. I would then mail that postcard to the sender with the address of “James” and eagerly wait for the arrival of the card. I talked with one of his family members whom I thought could be trusted. They would in turn inform me of how the postcard was received and whether or not “James” had in fact received the postcard. There were a couple problems I ran into such as, mail taking much longer than I expected, lost postcards, and initially I waited till “James” receive one before I sent another. I wanted him to receive a postcard once a week but it never quite worked out that way.

Here is a sample of one of the postcards:
I’ve been enjoying the Colorado hills lately. Your opinion of me has caused great anger to arise in some of my friends. They are concerned that you have forgotten some of my greatest attributes like being a peacemaker, I look great in black (it’s a slimming color you know), top hats make me seem tall, and the no mustache thing gives me a religious air. Well, I must be leaving now. Grant, Sherman and I are going to be riding mountain bikes down ski slopes. It looks to be great fun and I have a chin strap for my hat so it won’t fall off. I’m having a terrific time traveling except Sherman nearly burnt down our campsite while discussing the benefits of total warfare.

Many gleeful waves,

Honest Abe
XOXO

The “many gleeful waves” is just really funny to me. I signed them all “Honest Abe XOXO” because I felt it gave the whole thing a slightly uncomfortable feel that I thought expressed the whole joke entirely. Not to mention the thought of Abe Lincoln being effeminate is just a riot.

About a month or two into the joke I thought it would be funny if “Honest Abe XOXO” was traveling with a couple friends so I had Generals Sherman and Grant travel along with him and made a few jabs at political history with them. The total warfare thing being one of them. I heard that “James” thought they were really funny. The best part was that for nearly half of the joke he didn’t know it was me. He did, however, think it was my roommate Justin which made it all the funnier to talk with “James” about the new postcard he received. To see the first one sent hanging on his refrigerator was truly gratifying. I can only assume it is the same feeling that one has when their artwork is stuck in some museum somewhere famous. The thought that a man that I greatly respect would put a joke of mine on his refrigerator was honoring. Although, he didn’t know it was me. He thought of a few other people before he thought it was me. Like all good things, he eventually figured out it was me, but I kept on sending more cards with his family member helping out. This joke took nearly a year to finish and it was a great delight to hear about him receiving a postcard so I could begin sending out the next one.

The other great part was to have so many friends willing to participate in the joke. Many more offered to help but I think the thought of participating in something you don’t see or hear of is difficult ot truly appreciate. The two men from Ireland and Germany I met while scuba diving in Australia and they were the most excited people. The explained that they didn’t understand what the postcards were saying but they really liked the idea.

The whole point was to make it seem like “Honest Abe XOXO” was traveling around the world. So the handwriting would be the same (because I wrote it) but the postmark would be from wherever my friends lived. My roommates and I took a road trip to New York City this last summer and while in Philadelphia we found a great cardboard cutout of Abraham Lincoln. We all posed next to the legend and the last postcard I sent was a picture of Justin hugging ‘Ol Abe. I mailed it to a friend of mine who was soon to leave the ice in Antarctica and he mailed it the last day available to send out mail. I was a bit worried that he wouldn’t receive it and that he would miss the time to mail it out. Mail can be a problem down there. It all worked out fine and the joke is essentially done. Although, I haven’t completely given up on the idea of sending more to “James”. And I haven’t completely given it away that I’m the guy sending the postcards, although he is 99.9% sure it is me. I also can’t see him bothering to read my blog so I’m not too concerned that he will read this either.

Here’s another one, and it was sent from San Francisco around early November:
I’m learning some new lingo over here in Rice-a-Roni town. You know that stuff is a real treat. Last month I went door to door asking for a trick or treat and I can’t tell you how many people put spoonfuls of this delicious treat in my bag. Boy, with all the fires in this state it has really given Sherman the itch to torch more towns. The men of this town have been really nice to the three of us, more so than I would say in any other town. It is a nice change. They keep asking me if I’m ‘Okay’. I tell them, “I’m okay if your okay”. They seem to like that response.

Honest Abe
XOXO

The sad part of all this is that I learned that “James” could not read everything that I sent because my handwriting is too ‘unique’ and/or sloppy. Or just too small to read. I think you have to imagine certain letters at times. I hope to decipher them someday and have more laughs. Hopefully I’m not alone when I’m laughing, otherwise that would be awkward but then again that would be funny and would cause me to laugh a little heartier.

Sadly, I can’t take complete credit for the idea as I saw a movie in Antarctica that had a similar plot. It was a French film about a girl who stole her father’s garden gnome and sent it around the world with a friend who was a stewardess. The gnome sent pictures of itself to the father and encouraged him to travel since he was a newly widowed man. That part of the movie was great, the rest was not. Anyway, that’s it for now.